If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
