yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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