After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
So. Much. Porn.
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