Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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