nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
