forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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