i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
