if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
