what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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