Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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