No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
