i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
