as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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