I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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