I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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