Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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