Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
