I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
