looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
