You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
