we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
oh god was she eating orange peels again
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
