u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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