just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
