apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
