I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
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