I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
