My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
