So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
