when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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