I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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