clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize