I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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