Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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