How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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