The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
