at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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