Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
