Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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