So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
