I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
