come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
