I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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