I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
MIDGETS
????
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
