We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
