areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
