You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
