Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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