Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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