I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
