Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
