he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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