His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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