I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
