luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
you inspire me to be a worse person
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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