does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
