i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
