I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
