My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
